Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
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“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Worth the read.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag