A man of commitment.
You Might Also Like
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
oppen heimer style lol
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️