Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
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Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.