I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
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Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
the greatest twitter interaction
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”