McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.