Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
You Might Also Like
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Black Friday “markdowns” like
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
That’s not how days work.
I put the h in mysterious.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.