6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
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The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
No way!
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them