Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
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Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
🤣🤣💀
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am