I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
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I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Never forget.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”