[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
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Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Hero horse inspires millions
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”