Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Oh deer
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’