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[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea