If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
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Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Dance like you’re not the father
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Meow?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
is this store having a stroke wtf
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*