Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
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I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Battery falling down a hole
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Its a hippotatomus
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds