Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
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[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??