Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
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[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!