Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
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If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Oh. My. God.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
🙄😏😂🤣
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.