Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
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kids play hide and seek like
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
@funTweeters
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.