Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
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My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.