If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.