Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
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Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
then why did i get this email
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.