People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
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parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What