sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
You Might Also Like
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”