A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
this chia pet tastes awful
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“