Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Just grow your own
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.