“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
You Might Also Like
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Happy Taco Tuesday
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?