You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
blocked.