“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Food gives you energy to nap more.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.