My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.