She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I needed a laugh this morning.