“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
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I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out