I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
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Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.