I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.