The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
haha same
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
$4 #usedbooks
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My wedding will be open casket.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin