Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Who does Amazon think I am?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”