A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
You Might Also Like
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Hey I worked for it too!
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]