I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
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“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Choose your fighter
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people