Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Dear Lord..
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.