HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
You Might Also Like
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
can I use a minion as a tampon
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.