A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
You Might Also Like
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Cool shirt 🙂
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie