When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
You Might Also Like
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Me, flirting😏
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials