Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
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New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?