Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
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Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.