Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
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Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…