Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
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i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*