Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
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At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Gods work.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.