perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
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[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.