I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
You Might Also Like
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
My life coach traded me.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Breaking news:
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.