Want to talk trash? Recycle.
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Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.