PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
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In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby